{"id":12365666,"date":"2025-12-28T02:00:30","date_gmt":"2025-12-28T10:00:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/?p=12365666"},"modified":"2025-12-12T13:53:30","modified_gmt":"2025-12-12T21:53:30","slug":"asking-eric-thomas-wedding-registry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/28\/asking-eric-thomas-wedding-registry\/","title":{"rendered":"Asking Eric: They&#8217;ve gone off the rails with their wedding registry"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong>Dear Eric:<\/strong> A friend is planning his second marriage. It will be his fianc\u00e9e\u2019s third.<\/p>\n<aside class=\"related right\"><h2 class=\"widget-title\" data-curated-ids=\"\" data-relation-type=\"automatic-primary-tag\">Related Articles<\/h2><ul><li>\n\t\t\t<a class=\"article-title\" href=\"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/27\/asking-eric-thomas-sons-ex-girlfriend\/\" title=\"Asking Eric: My son has a fiancee now, but we don&#8217;t want to ditch his ex-girlfriend\">\n\t\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"dfm-title free\">\n\t\t\tAsking Eric: My son has a fiancee now, but we don&#8217;t want to ditch his ex-girlfriend\t\t<\/span>\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\n\t\n<\/li><li>\n\t\t\t<a class=\"article-title\" href=\"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/26\/asking-eric-thomas-stepson-storage\/\" title=\"Asking Eric: He waits until I go out, and then he moves more stuff in\">\n\t\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"dfm-title free\">\n\t\t\tAsking Eric: He waits until I go out, and then he moves more stuff in\t\t<\/span>\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\n\t\n<\/li><li>\n\t\t\t<a class=\"article-title\" href=\"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/25\/asking-eric-wife-vs-mother\/\" title=\"Asking Eric: My wife won&#8217;t forgive my mother&#8217;s mental state during the wedding planning\">\n\t\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"dfm-title free\">\n\t\t\tAsking Eric: My wife won&#8217;t forgive my mother&#8217;s mental state during the wedding planning\t\t<\/span>\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\n\t\n<\/li><li>\n\t\t\t<a class=\"article-title\" href=\"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/24\/asking-eric-thomas-annoying-neighbor-kids\/\" title=\"Asking Eric: People think the neighbor kids are mine, but I&#8217;m as annoyed by them as anyone\">\n\t\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"dfm-title free\">\n\t\t\tAsking Eric: People think the neighbor kids are mine, but I&#8217;m as annoyed by them as anyone\t\t<\/span>\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\n\t\n<\/li><li>\n\t\t\t<a class=\"article-title\" href=\"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/23\/asking-eric-thomas-dressing-like-a-cowboy\/\" title=\"Asking Eric: My husband all of a sudden started dressing like a cowboy\">\n\t\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"dfm-title free\">\n\t\t\tAsking Eric: My husband all of a sudden started dressing like a cowboy\t\t<\/span>\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\n\t\n<\/li><\/ul><\/aside>\n<p>Both are in their mid-to-late 60s, have owned their single-family homes for many years, and have reasonably well-paying jobs.<\/p>\n<p>They are planning a wedding shower and have registered for gifts, including expensive kitchen equipment and utensils, china, glassware, lamps, and living room furnishings. Things newlyweds-to-be in their 20s or 30s might need to start out. Not middle-aged adults with three past marriages and two homes between them.<\/p>\n<p>Yes, the inappropriateness has been discussed with them. When asked \u201cwhy,\u201d they say the things they have are older and, as they are starting out new together, they want things in their house to be new as well.<\/p>\n<p>No matter that, by registering, they effectively ask others to pay to replace what they already have. My perspective is that this is a blatant case of \u201cchutzpah,\u201d Yiddish for \u201cnerve\u201d or \u201cgall.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>They are, otherwise, nice caring people, but I feel they have gone off the rails asking others to re-equip and re-furnish their home. If invited over, I would be uncomfortable using their new dishware, glasses, etc.<\/p>\n<p>My feelings tell me to cool our relationship. Am I being excessively critical of their plans?<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: right\"><em>\u2013 Give or Give It Up<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dear Give<\/strong>: I\u2019m reminded of another Yiddish phrase a friend once told me which translates to \u201cmoney can buy everything except common sense.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It really does take a lot of nerve to ask friends and loved ones to replace all their perfectly fine belongings &#8230; but if their friends and loved ones will do it, there\u2019s technically no harm. No one is being forced to buy a gift.<\/p>\n<p>You certainly don\u2019t have to buy them anything if you don\u2019t want to. But I worry about letting this ruin your friendship. It\u2019s not a crime to have chutzpah. So, maybe live and let live here.<\/p>\n<p>See if you can think of this as something you wouldn\u2019t do in their shoes but perhaps not an offense that makes them unworthy of being your friends.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dear Eric:<\/strong> My husband and I are both in our second marriage. We have been married 18 years, and we each have grown children. Everyone gets along very well.<\/p>\n<p>This past summer, his two sisters, daughter and two nieces wanted to include me in an \u201caunt and nieces\u201d weekend up in the northern part of our state. They had already gotten a VRBO and asked if my husband and I could get our own lodging.<\/p>\n<p>I was told by my husband\u2019s sister that when all the aunties and nieces get together, they all bring a gift for each other and that I was included in this little gift exchange. I promptly went out and purchased five great gifts for everyone.<\/p>\n<p>To my surprise, I was the only one who brought out their gift. I guess they exchanged gifts after my husband and I left. I was very hurt by their actions and totally felt left out.<\/p>\n<p>One month later, my one sister died unexpectedly. To my hurt and dismay, I didn\u2019t get a single note of condolence from my husband\u2019s two kids or his family.<\/p>\n<p>I have really pulled back on having anything to do with his family. I told my husband how hurt I am by their actions.<\/p>\n<p>I was just wondering about your thoughts and suggestions on what I should do.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: right\"><em>\u2013 Slighted By Family<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dear Slighted:<\/strong> It will probably help you to separate the gift exchange from the condolences, although it makes sense that both hurt you.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s possible that there was some kind of communication mix-up with the \u201caunts and nieces\u201d weekend, for instance, and they didn\u2019t expect you to participate in the gift exchange since you were staying with your husband at a separate property. This is all conjecture, of course, but looking at it separately may make both issues easier to address.<\/p>\n<p>Because you all get along well, ask your husband\u2019s sister, \u201cHey, what happened with that weekend?\u201d Explain what you thought was going to happen and how what actually happened didn\u2019t match up with your expectation. And then listen to her perspective.<\/p>\n<aside class=\"related right\"><h2 class=\"widget-title\" data-curated-ids=\"\" data-relation-type=\"automatic-primary-section\">Related Articles<\/h2><ul><li>\n\t\t\t<a class=\"article-title\" href=\"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/28\/dear-abby-brink-of-divorce\/\" title=\"Dear Abby: My husband thinks it&#8217;s funny to act this way. I just want to run away.\">\n\t\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"dfm-title free\">\n\t\t\tDear Abby: My husband thinks it&#8217;s funny to act this way. I just want to run away.\t\t<\/span>\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\n\t\n<\/li><li>\n\t\t\t<a class=\"article-title\" href=\"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/27\/asking-eric-thomas-sons-ex-girlfriend\/\" title=\"Asking Eric: My son has a fiancee now, but we don&#8217;t want to ditch his ex-girlfriend\">\n\t\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"dfm-title free\">\n\t\t\tAsking Eric: My son has a fiancee now, but we don&#8217;t want to ditch his ex-girlfriend\t\t<\/span>\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\n\t\n<\/li><li>\n\t\t\t<a class=\"article-title\" href=\"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/27\/harriette-cole-one-sided-dating\/\" title=\"Harriette Cole: I feel like I&#8217;m chasing him, and that is so embarrassing\">\n\t\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"dfm-title free\">\n\t\t\tHarriette Cole: I feel like I&#8217;m chasing him, and that is so embarrassing\t\t<\/span>\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\n\t\n<\/li><li>\n\t\t\t<a class=\"article-title\" href=\"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/27\/miss-manners-no-happy-anniversary\/\" title=\"Miss Manners: Maybe I should pretend I forgot about her wedding?\">\n\t\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"dfm-title free\">\n\t\t\tMiss Manners: Maybe I should pretend I forgot about her wedding?\t\t<\/span>\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\n\t\n<\/li><li>\n\t\t\t<a class=\"article-title\" href=\"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/27\/dear-abby-husband-hid-news\/\" title=\"Dear Abby: Am I overreacting about the news my husband hid from me?\">\n\t\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"dfm-title free\">\n\t\t\tDear Abby: Am I overreacting about the news my husband hid from me?\t\t<\/span>\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\n\t\n<\/li><\/ul><\/aside>\n<p>This will take a little bit of vulnerability, but it\u2019s important to remember that there\u2019s nothing wrong with having an expectation, and nothing wrong with being disappointed that that expectation wasn\u2019t met. Telling friends and loved ones about these things, without accusation, helps them to know us better and to meet us where we are.<\/p>\n<p>Similarly, consider asking your husband to address the lack of condolences with his family. This is a place where he and they can show up to support you.<\/p>\n<p>People don\u2019t always do the things we wish they would. That\u2019s OK. But by communicating our needs and wants, we can avoid the kinds of resentments that can poison a relationship.<\/p>\n<p><em>Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Yes, the inappropriateness has been discussed with them.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":263,"featured_media":10712716,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"subheadline":"Yes, the inappropriateness has been discussed with them","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[181,13645,172,27655],"tags":[22723,32892,420],"feature":[],"location":[],"type-of-work":[26968],"coauthors":[32891],"class_list":["post-12365666","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-advice","category-latest-headlines","category-lifestyle","category-things-to-do","tag-coffee-break","tag-eric-thomas","tag-lifestyle-columnists","type-of-work-opinion-columnist"],"post_status":"","edit_last":0,"edit_lock":0,"highlights":"","original_byline":"","original_canonical":"","original_category":"","original_email":"","original_id":0,"original_pubdate":"","original_source":"","primary_section":"181","primary_tag":32892,"print_workflow_body":{"deck_headline":"","print_title":"","print_subheadline":"","print_planned_ready":"","print_pub_date":"","print_slug":"","print_content":"","print_budget_line":"","print_excerpt":"","print_notes":"","photo_limits":"Photo limits are: 1 featured image, 5 featured gallery images, 5 embedded gallery images and 5 in-article embedded images. 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