{"id":12365605,"date":"2025-12-27T02:26:24","date_gmt":"2025-12-27T10:26:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/?p=12365605"},"modified":"2025-12-12T13:35:36","modified_gmt":"2025-12-12T21:35:36","slug":"asking-eric-thomas-sons-ex-girlfriend","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/27\/asking-eric-thomas-sons-ex-girlfriend\/","title":{"rendered":"Asking Eric: My son has a fiancee now, but we don&#8217;t want to ditch his ex-girlfriend"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong>Dear Eric:<\/strong> About 14 years ago our son was seriously dating a woman whom both my wife and I really adored.<\/p>\n<aside class=\"related right\"><h2 class=\"widget-title\" data-curated-ids=\"\" data-relation-type=\"automatic-primary-tag\">Related Articles<\/h2><ul><li>\n\t\t\t<a class=\"article-title\" href=\"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/28\/asking-eric-thomas-wedding-registry\/\" title=\"Asking Eric: They&#8217;ve gone off the rails with their wedding registry\">\n\t\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"dfm-title free\">\n\t\t\tAsking Eric: They&#8217;ve gone off the rails with their wedding registry\t\t<\/span>\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\n\t\n<\/li><li>\n\t\t\t<a class=\"article-title\" href=\"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/26\/asking-eric-thomas-stepson-storage\/\" title=\"Asking Eric: He waits until I go out, and then he moves more stuff in\">\n\t\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"dfm-title free\">\n\t\t\tAsking Eric: He waits until I go out, and then he moves more stuff in\t\t<\/span>\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\n\t\n<\/li><li>\n\t\t\t<a class=\"article-title\" href=\"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/25\/asking-eric-wife-vs-mother\/\" title=\"Asking Eric: My wife won&#8217;t forgive my mother&#8217;s mental state during the wedding planning\">\n\t\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"dfm-title free\">\n\t\t\tAsking Eric: My wife won&#8217;t forgive my mother&#8217;s mental state during the wedding planning\t\t<\/span>\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\n\t\n<\/li><li>\n\t\t\t<a class=\"article-title\" href=\"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/24\/asking-eric-thomas-annoying-neighbor-kids\/\" title=\"Asking Eric: People think the neighbor kids are mine, but I&#8217;m as annoyed by them as anyone\">\n\t\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"dfm-title free\">\n\t\t\tAsking Eric: People think the neighbor kids are mine, but I&#8217;m as annoyed by them as anyone\t\t<\/span>\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\n\t\n<\/li><li>\n\t\t\t<a class=\"article-title\" href=\"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/23\/asking-eric-thomas-dressing-like-a-cowboy\/\" title=\"Asking Eric: My husband all of a sudden started dressing like a cowboy\">\n\t\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"dfm-title free\">\n\t\t\tAsking Eric: My husband all of a sudden started dressing like a cowboy\t\t<\/span>\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\n\t\n<\/li><\/ul><\/aside>\n<p>We both thought she would be a great wife and daughter-in-law. She became the daughter we always wanted to have.<\/p>\n<p>Then the unspeakable happened. She cheated on him.<\/p>\n<p>They broke up yet remained friends, and she claimed she had adopted us as her parents. She was estranged from her father and rarely spoke with her mother. She would come and visit us on her own.<\/p>\n<p>My son was sort of OK with this, and she still came to family dinners, events, even when my son brought a new girlfriend along. Then she moved far away for work. We kept in touch all the time over the phone and internet.<\/p>\n<p>Then my son got engaged to a wonderful woman, whom we dearly love. When he found out we were still in close contact with the other woman, he had a raging fit, and all but demanded we drop her.<\/p>\n<p>Now we are so torn apart. After a 14-year relationship, do we just drop this woman who became a part of our lives? It was pretty much only us in her life.<\/p>\n<p>What do we do?<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: right\"><em>\u2013 Second Parents<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dear Parents:<\/strong> The first thing you should do may be the hardest: Talk to your son and ask him his honest opinion about the last 14 years.<\/p>\n<p>This blow-up didn\u2019t come out of nowhere. You write that he was \u201csort of OK,\u201d for instance. This raises big questions. How much hurt has he been sitting on all this time? Has he tried talking about this before? What is sort of OK?<\/p>\n<p>Give him space to voice his feelings, acknowledge them, apologize if and when appropriate and then talk about what happens next.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not really fair for him to dictate whom you can and can\u2019t befriend, but he does have a painful past with this person, so more caution and a clearer boundary is going to be necessary.<\/p>\n<p>All of it starts with clearing the air with your son. Simply dropping his ex isn\u2019t going to solve his problem, and it\u2019s only going to cause you and her more pain. But this adopted parent relationship was constructed on a shaky foundation, so you\u2019ll have to dig down before you can build up.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dear Eric<\/strong>: A beloved member of my close friend group has joined a drum troupe that plays at events through the city. She always group-texts her besties and tells us where she will be and when and urges us to come.<\/p>\n<p>I understand showing up for my creative friends when they are in plays (or write plays!) or play in bands (even mediocre \u201970s rock covers). I make the effort to be there to support.<\/p>\n<p>We all showed up when the drum troupe played at No Kings Day. I thought I fulfilled my obligation, but no. She continues to ask us to come to more of the shows.<\/p>\n<p>I am happy for her that she has found something that brings her joy, but it doesn&#8217;t bring us joy. Standing around watching a drum troupe doesn&#8217;t appeal to any of us. None of us want to hurt her feelings. I feel extra guilty because she has come to a bunch of my storytelling gigs.<\/p>\n<p>How should we handle this?<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: right\"><em>\u2013 Super Trouper<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dear Trouper:<\/strong> I don\u2019t think the group should address it at all. There\u2019s no way that it wouldn\u2019t hurt to hear one\u2019s close friends say, en masse, that they don\u2019t want to come to anymore of one\u2019s performances. And there\u2019s no harm in your friend\u2019s enthusiasm. If it needs to be addressed, it should be done individually.<\/p>\n<p>Two big questions here: What is your expectation of yourself with regard to showing up for friends\u2019 events, and what is your friend\u2019s expectation of her friends?<\/p>\n<aside class=\"related right\"><h2 class=\"widget-title\" data-curated-ids=\"\" data-relation-type=\"automatic-primary-section\">Related Articles<\/h2><ul><li>\n\t\t\t<a class=\"article-title\" href=\"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/28\/asking-eric-thomas-wedding-registry\/\" title=\"Asking Eric: They&#8217;ve gone off the rails with their wedding registry\">\n\t\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"dfm-title free\">\n\t\t\tAsking Eric: They&#8217;ve gone off the rails with their wedding registry\t\t<\/span>\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\n\t\n<\/li><li>\n\t\t\t<a class=\"article-title\" href=\"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/28\/dear-abby-brink-of-divorce\/\" title=\"Dear Abby: My husband thinks it&#8217;s funny to act this way. I just want to run away.\">\n\t\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"dfm-title free\">\n\t\t\tDear Abby: My husband thinks it&#8217;s funny to act this way. I just want to run away.\t\t<\/span>\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\n\t\n<\/li><li>\n\t\t\t<a class=\"article-title\" href=\"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/27\/harriette-cole-one-sided-dating\/\" title=\"Harriette Cole: I feel like I&#8217;m chasing him, and that is so embarrassing\">\n\t\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"dfm-title free\">\n\t\t\tHarriette Cole: I feel like I&#8217;m chasing him, and that is so embarrassing\t\t<\/span>\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\n\t\n<\/li><li>\n\t\t\t<a class=\"article-title\" href=\"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/27\/miss-manners-no-happy-anniversary\/\" title=\"Miss Manners: Maybe I should pretend I forgot about her wedding?\">\n\t\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"dfm-title free\">\n\t\t\tMiss Manners: Maybe I should pretend I forgot about her wedding?\t\t<\/span>\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\n\t\n<\/li><li>\n\t\t\t<a class=\"article-title\" href=\"https:\/\/www.mercurynews.com\/2025\/12\/27\/dear-abby-husband-hid-news\/\" title=\"Dear Abby: Am I overreacting about the news my husband hid from me?\">\n\t\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"dfm-title free\">\n\t\t\tDear Abby: Am I overreacting about the news my husband hid from me?\t\t<\/span>\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\n\t\n<\/li><\/ul><\/aside>\n<p>If, for instance, she\u2019s inviting you because she thinks you\u2019ll enjoy it, there\u2019s a different expectation than if she\u2019s inviting you because it helps her to have a friendly face. Basically, are you there to be a member of the audience or are you there to be her friend?<\/p>\n<p>Similarly, what do you expect of yourself? Even with the text invites, you\u2019re actually under no obligation to do something you don\u2019t enjoy. There are probably other ways that your friendship flourishes. And if she presses the issue with you, then you can say that you\u2019re happy for her but you\u2019re not the best audience.<\/p>\n<p>It might hurt for her to hear that her offering isn\u2019t landing for you the way she wants it to. But this conversation is an opportunity for you to reaffirm that you support her pursuits and remind her that the reason she got into this is because it brings her, and many others, joy.<\/p>\n<p><em>Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>He&#8217;s furious that she&#8217;s still part of our lives.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":263,"featured_media":10712716,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"subheadline":"He's furious that she's still part of our lives","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[181,13645,172,27655],"tags":[22723,32892,420],"feature":[],"location":[],"type-of-work":[26968],"coauthors":[32891],"class_list":["post-12365605","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-advice","category-latest-headlines","category-lifestyle","category-things-to-do","tag-coffee-break","tag-eric-thomas","tag-lifestyle-columnists","type-of-work-opinion-columnist"],"post_status":"","edit_last":0,"edit_lock":0,"highlights":"","original_byline":"","original_canonical":"","original_category":"","original_email":"","original_id":0,"original_pubdate":"","original_source":"","primary_section":"181","primary_tag":32892,"print_workflow_body":{"deck_headline":"","print_title":"","print_subheadline":"","print_planned_ready":"","print_pub_date":"","print_slug":"","print_content":"","print_budget_line":"","print_excerpt":"","print_notes":"","photo_limits":"Photo limits are: 1 featured image, 5 featured gallery images, 5 embedded gallery images and 5 in-article embedded images. 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